I can't seem to think of anything else to write today but the obvious... which is that today marks the 10th anniversary of my mom's passing. It's a day I dread every year - and not only because that day forever changed me, but also because it means one more year has gone by without her - and that means distance. And distance is scary when trying to hold on to someone who is no longer around. My memory of her physical presence has become blurry, and I have to pray for dreams to bring her back to me. I know there will come a day when I will have lived more years without her than with her - something I can't wrap my head around without aching inside.
But that's not today. Today, I want to hold on to and share a few things about my mom. Things like how she never let me leave the house without a hug, no matter how late I was or how hard I rolled my eyes - there had to be a hug. The way she answered the phone "Good Morning!" instead of hello. The time she left her bowling team to bring me my field hockey stick that I'd forgotten at home - she was not happy, but did it anyway. The way she always laughed at my dad - and even though he was the one telling the jokes, she was the one who taught us all how good it feels to laugh. How she would bring me and my best friend black jelly beans (our favorite) to all of our lacrosse games.
I miss my mom every day. And because this longing feels very real to me and makes her memory very real, I hope it never goes away.